What does resiliency really mean?

The last two weeks have gone by like a blur, with many praising my resilience or that this will bring resilience.

I will be transparent that I have moments where I feel resentment of that statement, I don’t want another lesson in resiliency, I don’t want to have to practice being the strong one.

There are many experiences in this time for living and navigating this crisis of wildfires and evacuation that roll through me on a day-to-day basis.

I am painfully aware as well of my privilege and that I am not the only one moving through something like this, many people are struggling, more than I am, so I have interwoven with that place of guilt and also the acknowledgment of where I am.

My hope is in sharing these pieces not to minimize or compare pain or challenges, but to give a glimpse into how I navigate it to perhaps give some support to another.

I have days where I joke this feels like I am on a really stressful vacation, I took time away from doing calls for the first two weeks to get resent to my new normal.

I have had moments of lightness and joking with my neighbors about how this fire has given new life to a social life that I have always said I should make more effort to nurturing.

Our elder herd and merlin and Indra are at our neighbors, which has “forced” us to spend more time with them, which has been wonderful, being close in age, it has been nice to have the comfort of that kind of community. 

There has been laughter and then there have been days where I have found myself listless and grieving, not having my horses here, having to drive to see them each day about an hour each way.  Of losing my income for the summer, and not wanting to be present to deal with the stress of all of it.

I have wavered in the space of giving permission to it and also feeling guilty about it, I should be acting differently, stronger, meditating more, etc.

This past weekend was hard, I went to see my big herd and I can feel their restlessness, missing the freedom of a big space, they are left in a big dusty pen. Yes, they have each other and feed and of course love from myself and others, but you can sense they are starting to get a bit tired of being confined in this space.

A few came up to me, leaning their heads on me, I let them know, soon, this is temporary, but I feel the pain of missing them and not having them home.  

As we watched evacuation alerts lift around us, while we remain, that was challenging, to not see an end in sight, or to know, or to not be in control, where you feel as if you have adapted, but then notice the agitation of wanting this to be over.

Resiliency is not a constant state of being, it is a place of recovery, it doesn’t mean we are strong all the time, but rather, that we are able to be and accept all the places we find ourselves in. 

I used to shy away at times to admit my weakness, I was afraid because I was always the “strong” and responsible one, the consequence of me admitting my vulnerabilities. 

I wait when I do for people to form pity, for my parents to call in concern, and then having to reassure people I am ok, just being with the honesty of what I am experiencing. 

I am not always strong, that is not what being resilient means, I had a moment where I for the first time in my life, exploded at my partner, even slamming a door, not something I ever do because I was not aware at the intensity of how I was holding my stress, I was dissociated from it, and thankfully I have such a loving partner, there was an ability to be held in that space of being present to what I am holding.

Resiliency is ugly, it is messy, it is not looking a certain way of having a pressure of appearance.

It is allowing ourselves to fall apart and then rebuilding ourselves even if we have to do that multiple times a day.

I remind myself in this space, that if I need to take a nap in the middle of the day or let go of what I think I have to do, or not think about work for a moment, to allow it.

If I need to feel the tiredness of where I am to do that too.

If I don’t feel spiritual that’s ok, I don’t have to force myself to find the silver lining all the time.

There is a pathway that we travel here, and we need to make it ok to feel all of it. 

I have been recovering from the mask of being the strong one for a long time, to make it ok that feeling the vulnerability of being human doesn’t make me less strong.

That I don’t need to caretake for the worries of others or take that on when I show my spaces of weakness.

That I don’t have to worry about losing strength when I don’t feel it in a moment.

That I can feel resentful and angry and the range of emotions are allowed, they build resiliency.

I know that I can have a bad day and then wake up the next morning and start again, that I can have moments where I feel completely lost, and then have moments shortly after where I feel deep gratitude.

Resilience doesn’t look one way, it doesn’t have one form, it can feel like we are strong like an oak tree in one moment, and then flexible like a spider’s web in the next.  

This is my anchor during this time, to flow with it, not judge it, to let myself fall through the cracks when I need to, to not put expectations on where I think I need to be, or how I need to appear to others.

This is resiliency. 

This too shall pass, I know this, lots of lessons being learned here, we will recover all of the “losses” that come from this place, it will be another experience of the journey.  It will shift and change us as it already has, as life does.

We can embrace these moments still and resist them, give room to all of them.

And again, our deep gratitude to everyone that is held us in this space in whatever way you have been doing, we greatly appreciate it and also hope that perhaps there is some good medicine for you in here too.

The horses and I are ok, and we will travel through this together and the most important thing is we are all safe. 

Love from Hillary and the herd,
Hillary