A perspective on leadership

I have been having conversations lately – with clients, with colleagues, with friends – around the concept and intention of leadership.

More importantly our often discomfort and sensitivity to being a leader, and even more deeply, to understand what it even means to be a leader, to hold a position of leadership, and to step into it.

Leadership is a word most of us recognize. We see it, we might read about or study it, we can identify what it means.

We see it being used as a way to call us forward on our path.

But what is leadership really?

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A perspective . . .

There has been a large portion of my life where I had an awareness that there was something I was here to do.

And when I say here I mean earth.

There is a purpose to my life and my “job” has been to figure out what that is.

I was sharing this weekend with a woman who reached out to me to look for a space being held for her.

I didn’t seek out being a “leader” or more accurately an emerging leader in my industry. I don’t have an ambition of being in the spotlight, or being recognized or having fame.

And that isn’t leadership.

Leadership is a responsibility. It is an honoring and a stake we put in the ground that says what I feel I am meant to be a messenger for, what is calling me forward to be a beacon of. Where purpose is asking me to show up, I show up.

Leadership is also not about popularity, or being liked, and most definitely not about being comfortable.

Leadership is about edges, putting our own personal discomfort aside, doing our inner work, coming back to aligning ourselves to the bigger why of our work and having the courage to put ourselves forward for that instead of continuing to hide because we don’t want to be seen.

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For years I hid behind my horses, and probably behind my purpose. I made it about the containers I held, leaving myself out of it.

Because it was uncomfortable. Because the responsibility sometimes felt heavy. Because I wanted people to like me. I didn’t want my clients to be uncomfortable, and because I didn’t want to be seen.

I wanted to be safe and I was afraid of creating waves. As someone who probably identifies herself more often to a peacekeeper than a leader, I didn’t want to be a force in the world. I wanted to create a peaceful and purposeful space for myself.

I didn’t seek out leadership. Leadership sought out me.

And I fought it for a long time.

Because that wasn’t who I am.

Until I became awakened to something.

Leadership isn’t just about me.

I have had moments where I have stood in my field with my horses, looking around me seeing the shifts in my herd. My horses come to me needing homes, a second purpose, an out from a potential heartbreaking ending to their life. And I give it to them. And in these moments when I watch my horses, I get it.

Oh…

This isn’t just about me…

And I will tell you something…

Any discomfort I feel about being in the “spotlight” or taking a position of leadership or speaking a tone or a message that might create waves...

Is worth it.

Something I often say to my clients:

Your job is not to make people comfortable. That is not why they come to you.

They are seeking transformationillumination, clarity, confidence, change.

They want something different, and they are seeking you out to hold it for them.

Keeping them comfortable or being afraid of creating waves is not serving them and it is not what you do.

Being a leader means we recognize that the discomfort leads to change, to shifting and a greater alignment to a greater vision.

Leadership is an opportunity for us to create a stake for a greater impact and ripple effect of purpose and transformation for our world.

It is bravery and congruency and, in some ways, I experience leadership as a connection to our higher power, our inner wisdom and a deeper knowing within ourselves that we bring out into the world.

And for those that are seeking it and that resonates to it, it becomes a powerful space that then awakens them to something deeper. Which is what they want.

Leadership is not about power, or fortune. It is not about celebrity or popularity.

It is about understanding our role in a greater conversation of change that we are meant to be a part of.

Whether it is awakening the human consciousness, or advocating for a better world for our future generations, or a more ethical and humane treatment of animals.

It is bigger than you.

It also requires you.

Most of the people I work with are not those that seek out leadership positions but they feel called to hold space for something... a purpose and a calling.

Their struggle is they don’t appreciate how necessary their perspective, their voice and what I call their medicine is to that conversation or shift that they feel called to.

And so another perspective of leadership is our ability to acknowledge the importance of our voice and our message and our responsibility to bring it out into a greater conversation.

It isn’t about us being comfortable. It is about us being able to put aside our own personal fears and doubts about ourselves, and understanding our role into something greater.

And that is uncomfortable.

But we are not called to step forward for no reason.

It is not pointless that we feel compelled, or passionate, or purposeful about certain things.

And those callings are also not given to us for us to hoard or keep within ourselves because we are too afraid to be out there.

I know in the moments I feel most afraid, where there is terror often associated with where I am being asked or nudged to show up, where discomfort shadows me, that this is the path I am meant to step forward on.

That leadership is a purpose and a space of honoring the purpose of my life and ripple effect of that.

We need to get used to this….

We are here for something greater than ourselves, and our presence is important and necessary for what we are called to be a part of.

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If you are reading this...

An encouragement:

You may not feel ready, or certain. You most likely are feeling uncomfortable and wishing you could continue to stay hidden.

You also know you can’t.

The part of you that knows you can’t this is the part of you to allow to lead for this moment.

To gain a deeper perspective of leadership, to remind yourself there is purpose and necessity to you and then take a big dose of courage and get out there.

Write the post, share the story, create the offering, write the book, be courageous and remember.

This isn’t just about you...

And this isn’t about comfort.

This is about purpose. 

The Power and Certainty of Belief

I have been quiet lately…

Well, I think I have.

I notice whenever I get both quiet and restless, there is something happening.

Expansion, stress, overwhelm, space being made for new things.

There is a stillness and a desire to retreat more that comes over me.

As I resurface slightly from my own internal musings I felt called to write about something called belief.

An essential ingredient when building anything of substance, of wishing for something to happen, of manifestation. We must seek it out.

Fear and doubt...

Fear and doubt are our constant companions in this journey of life as a human. They will always be walking with us side by side as we dream, as we pursue, and take action towards and walk with what we are called to walk with in life.

They can be loud and obvious and they can also be quiet and live in the subconscious of our day to day lives.

I notice…

When there is a stirring, as there has been lately, a nudge towards evolution, expansion or change, the subtle notes of fear and doubt become louder.

I hadn’t even noticed how present they were until I got curious as to what is underneath this anxiety that I feel within myself lately?

Belief…

Fear and doubt, at times, stem from the absence of belief, in self, in trusting that things will unfold positively, that we will be ok.

When we lack belief, we hold more tightly to doubt or fear.

What if I never make the money I need to?

Or no one buys my services?

Or my message falls flat?

Or my house burns down? (as I watch fires be burned around me in my province of British Columbia)

What if I never meet my soulmate?

Or what if my dreams are just delusions?

Or I won’t get that job?

Or I won’t find my tribe?

Fears and doubts in absence of belief.

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DEEP BREATHE…

When I notice the anxiety, I know most certainly that it is my trigger letting me know there is break in belief in myself, in holding a higher vision of my life and nurturing the stake of things working out, as much as I do the fear that it won’t.

It is the most certain and powerful energy to tune into to move us beyond our self-sabotage, when things feel dark and foggy, uncertain and lacking clarity.

The big question:

How do we seek out and nurture belief when it doesn’t seem to exist?

Here is what I want to remind you or to enlighten you with.

Belief always exist within us. Always.

I believe and am certain that, along with our doubts and our fears, we also have a part of us that is knowing of a higher picture.

Call it your soul, higher self, spirit. It is ever present in the waking moments of our lives.

For me I find this center when I am with my horses, on my land, listening to music, meditating... In those spaces it is easier to conjure up the part of me that exists there.

Where does belief exist in you?

If you could think about moments, or times where you may have connected to this aspect of yourself, what were they?

Seek them out!

Go to the beach, connect with that friend, explore the outdoors, move your body, and intentionally let yourself be reminded that you hold belief alongside everything else.

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A mantra…

One of my favorite ways of conjuring up belief and holding it in my mental mind is to create mantras.

I believe in my ability to create my success.

I believe that everything will be ok.

I believe in myself.

And when I notice the anxiety creep up, I turn to these mantras with the connection to the spaces within myself that hold them and I stay there for a moment or two, or 15, or 30, and I hold that space for myself.

Don’t underestimate the power of belief.

How we feel about ourselves, what we hold within us, has great impact on what manifests around us.

Just the subtle shift towards this alignment can change everything.

And if you notice yourself resonating with this post, or noticing how noisy those fears and doubts are, the good news is…

You are moving towards something that is more greatly aligned to where you wish to go.

I know in the moments of uncertainty and doubt I am most definitely on the right path. It lets me know it is a sign that I am shifting myself into deeper alignment, because often alignment comes from discomfort.

And belief is going to be the energy, the anchor that is going to move you beyond your doubt.

Step into where you are being asked to expand and meet your most deepest desires for your life, for your sacred work and for yourself.

I know this to be true because as I sit here writing this from a home on this beautiful ranch I now call home, I am speaking about the pathways that have lead me to step into this.

It is simple yet powerful thing for us to do to stoke the fires of belief for ourselves and our greatest visions that are waiting for us to step into.

What they don't tell you about running your own business

There are things they don’t tell you about running your own business…
 
Like how it will be the most intense personal growth experience that you will ever go through.
 
Or to be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that comes along with it.
 
Or the doubt and the fear that will arise just after you believed you have overcome a mountain only to encounter another.
 
Or how deep the learning curve will be, how much noise you will have to sift through to come back to your own wisdom, how lonely it will feel at times.
 
They don’t tell you about how normal it is to want to quit, many times over.

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How much terror and panic happen when you are staring at an empty bank account hoping and praying for the next client or money to come through so you can pay your bills.
 
Or how many ways you will find and see people telling you how to succeed, or get to 6 figures and it will be your job to sift through what is going to work for you.

What I wasn’t prepared for…

It has been 5 years since I started my journey of being a full-time entrepreneur, or what I would call "leaping into the space of creating a business around my purpose."
 
It has been the most enlightening, heartbreaking, challenging, growth inducing experience of my life.
 
I have had incredible highs, and deep lows. I have had moments from being in tears and sobbing on the floor because I had no idea how I was going to keep going or pay the bills, to sobbing at my kitchen table when I hit my first 5 figures.
 
There are days where I feel as high as a kite, confident in my voice, my work and the spaces I get to hold for my clients.
 
And there are days where I wonder how I got this far on what sometimes seems like delusion and fantasy and that I am insane to think I could pull this off.

And what this is…

My business has seen an evolution of leasing my first facility to give space to the work I did with my horses, to buying an 80-acre ranch that was the ranch of my dreams and running a full fledged retreat and accommodation facility, while growing my herd to 16 horses, running a full coaching practice and developing a training and certification program around the space I hold with the horses.
 
I have had experiences of making the most money I have ever made in my life, hitting 6 figures and feeling the success of my practice, to falling knee-deep in debt, making sometimes unwise investments and struggling to pay the bills.
 
It all happens in the same breath, sometimes confusing, sometimes rewarding, often with a combination of both.

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And here is some wisdom I have gleaned from this 5 years…

It is ok to fail, to stumble. I tell myself over and over again when I make a mistake, or a bad decision, or am unwise with my money that I am learning, and to take the lesson and apply it.

To hold compassion and forgiveness as high on the list of spaces to hold for self, because you will need it. We forget at times that we are human, that we are messy, that our version of success or “making” it often isn’t pretty and includes what we think is more sideways and up and downs than forward.

To celebrate the successes you have. If you are anything like me, I give myself about a millisecond to celebrate anything and then I put my vision back to the next step of growth, never really relaxing or acknowledging the success or milestones I have created.
 
Surround yourself with people that will empower and lift you up because you will need them. It can be a lonely and, at times, consuming running your own business. Having a community of people that celebrate and empower your journey and remind you of your awesomeness is much needed.
 
Create space for you to reflect, to be, to rest, to gain perspective. It is important. You are the vessel of everything. Without the space for yourself, you will enter burnout and lose sight of why you began what you did in the first place.
 
Have a ritual. Ritual has become a non-negotiable for me, a piece of self-care that without it, I would lose myself to my anxiety and fear. Meditation, journalling, time in nature, exercise... it is important to find that space and time for us to have a container held for us as we create big things in the world.
 
Lighten up! We are our worst critics. We have a harsh and sometimes unreasonable expectations on ourselves of where we need to be and how far along and the guilt or shame we can feel if we are not where we think we have to be. Trust, don’t be so serious or harsh on yourself. It is detrimental to both your growth and the achievement of what you are working towards.

Do the work. And by work I mean the inner work. We can’t create something if we are knee deep in fear and doubt all the time. The most work I do in my days is on myself, my inner world, my beliefs, mindfulness and not losing myself in a pool of insecurity and fears because that kills inspiration and action fast. When we feel in tune with ourselves, when we feel open and allowing, confident and clear, we are much more able to show up, be creative, put ourselves out there because we are feeling and leading from a different place internally.
 
Get a mentor. If there is anything I would change in my life as an entrepreneur and business owner it would be that I would have gotten the right mentor sooner in my journey, and someone that aligned with my values and how I held integrity, that could remind me of my strengths, empower me in my pathway to success and get me beyond my place of paralysis. Having mentors and coaches has saved me many times over in my journey.

Be responsible with your money. This is a big one I am still learning and practicing. When I first started I knew nothing about being responsible in a big way for my finances. I had no idea how to do financial reports or business plans. I avoided my bank account like a plague. I was terrified because the money was going out faster than it was coming in, which ended up in really creating some unnecessary debt and stress. These days I look at how I treat and hold my money with the same integrity and care as anything else. Look at your finances and how you hold it as a key to creating greater abundance. If you don’t know how to track or navigate your way through your finances, ask someone to help you. It is important aspect to running our business.
 
Trust your intuition above all else! Your intuition is wise, it holds answers, it will never steer you wrong. Don’t discount it or override it or ignore it. It is not always an easy or tangible thing for our logical mind to wrap its head around but intuition never lies.
 
Be authentic. Your authenticity is your greatest asset. You don’t need anything other than that. Staying true to you and your voice will always be an important key to holding a pathway that will align and create the success you are seeking.
 
Stay out of comparison and seek out the spaces that feel good. There can be a lot of noise in the online world and in the offline world and it is so easy for us to get dragged under by other people’s stories or shares about what we should do, or how we should show up, or what they have done in how long, that it fuels our own insecurities about our journey. Something I practice: if the space feels good, if I feel aligned and empowered in a community, I stay. If it leaves me feeling anxious or uncomfortable, or just doesn’t feel good, I don’t stay. Good boundaries for yourself around where you spend your time is important.
 
Listen to the advice but always stay within your own wisdom. I am always open for advice and wisdom when it comes to growing and sustaining my business and one thing that I always come back to is take in the stuff that resonates and leave the rest. I try to listen to my own wisdom when paving my way forward while taking in pieces that resonate with how I operate and create in the world. Use discernment, seek out sage wisdom but also let yourself feel into what feels right and true for you.

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And here is a truth for you…

Some of you have watched my journey and some of you may be new to me.
 
The truth is no matter what degree of success we think we see in someone or ourselves, it is still a journey we have to go on internally everyday.
 
There is still growth that happens that never stops, mistakes that can be made, even though we think we should know better.
 
There are still times where the insecurity and doubt get the best of us, where we consider walking away or quitting. This still happens to me even if there is no reason to be this way.
 
Question everything, what you believe to be certain, where you hold a rigid perception about yourself and your journey and find what I like to call anchors that are going to bring you back to yourself.
 
Your business is an expression of you. It is a vehicle for transformation and growth as much as it is about being something we step into to support our dreams and our desires for our life.
 
It is bigger than you and it is also ever changing and morphing so try not to take it too seriously.

What I wasn’t prepared for…

...was this: the growth that comes along with having your own business, the tears, the rewards, the tough nights, the highs, and most importantly, the most intense place of self-discovery I have ever known.
 
But you know what?
 
When I have moments where I can stop for a moment and take it in… Look out into my field and see my horses, witness my own impact…
 
I can truly and authentically say…
 
No matter how many tears and blood and sweat I have felt on this pathway..
 
It has all been worth it.

 
So if you find yourself struggling with something, beating yourself for not having gotten it yet, or having one of those moments of wanting to throw in the towel...
 
You are not alone.
 
This too shall pass.
 
Take a breath. 

And try to focus on how far you have come, remember your strength and trust the vision that lead you here in the first place.

Love,
A fellow purpose holder and entrepreneur,
Hillary

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P.S. In my journey of being an entrepreneur, I have discovered that one of the most important pieces we can hold for ourselves is the clarity and the unbridled sense of our purpose, our message and our ability to hold a space of mastery for ourselves.
 
Over the years I have held space for other purpose-driven, brilliant women that are ready to step into their purpose in a way that feels deeply aligned to the core of who they are.
 
It is a space of mastery, of us giving permission to the unbridled essence of ourselves, our purpose and our medicine and having the courage to create space for it in the world.
 
If you are looking for a space to be held for you to claim more deeply your vision of success and the courage to show up as the leader and light-worker that you are in the world, I would love to introduce you to my new container Unbridled Mastery.
 
A 6-month journey that supports and empowers you in the clarity of your purpose, authentic message and voice in your mission and navigating through holding your business with greater success and clarity without the loss of heart and alignment of how you create in the world.
 
You can learn more about that here...

Integrity Is Not A Given

Integrity is not a given.

Except sometimes we expect it to be...

It is not the role or a job of another to hold integrity for us.

That is an inside job both of how we show up in our lives and within ourselves and also where we exercise discernment.

I am guilty at times in my life of wearing rose colored glasses, seeing the best in people, wanting to trust people and giving them that until proven otherwise.

I can be naive in my innocence which has, at times, got me into trouble, where I can find myself in situations where I have been taking advantage of or not held in a space of integrity.

This is not an easy lesson to move through, nor it is a pleasant one to be a part of.

It can unroot us deeply, it can erode our trust in life, harm our souls and our sensitivity and create havoc in our outside world.

And something I have learned about my journey of trust and integrity:

It is not a give away... Nor is it something I can blindly hold as being there.

This doesn’t mean that I mistrust the world or people, or that I contract against opportunity because I am afraid I will get taken advantage of again.

It means that I have learned to use my whole sight, to exercise discernment, to tap into wisdom and see a bigger picture and not just go along with a path, a partnership, a conversation without looking at where I am stepping or what is being held there.

The truth is…

Not everyone or everything holds the same integrity as we do.

Not everyone or everything stands in the same alignment.

It doesn’t mean not everyone or everything is good or bad.

It just means we need to be clear on what our intentions are, where our values lie, what feels good to us and what integrity means to our souls before we go leaping into the abyss trusting everything and everyone right off the bat.

Something I have learned from spending time with horses…

Trust your sensitivity, give yourself space to listen to it, and pay attention to how alignment feels to you.

Give yourself room to check something out, use your discernment – is this a fear that comes from baggage from the past and from my mind that is clouding my ability to see in front of me?

Or is this a warning system my natural intelligence is telling me that this person, this path, this relationship is not a fit for me?

There are many times where we ignore the signals and the signs… because we are afraid of standing in our truth, or hurting someone’s feelings, or we really want to see things in a certain way.

How often have you ignored your intuition and then thought afterwards, "Shoot I should have listened to that?"

Our integrity is housed in our feelings, in our sensitivity and is something we must guard and listen to in our lives. And the responsibility of that lies on no one but ourselves.

A story…

In my past, I used to have an insecurity of who I was in the world, I have had people tell me my whole life how I was too woo or too sensitive, that this was a bad thing, that I needed to get over and hide.

And what happened was I found myself over and over again in alliances and in partnerships that empowered that.

The integrity of the space I held around myself was not there and so of course it was not held in partnership.

A few years ago I found myself in reflection of noticing how the same thing was happening to me over and over again, entering into spaces with people that were attracted to what I was building, wanting to be a part of it and I myself, because I couldn't see my own value, went along with it.

It was equal and the alignment and shared values was missing.

What arose was a deep sense of foreboding in me, distress and anxiety, and fear, things not feeling right, that I took was something wrong with me.

My spaces were walked on, I held no boundaries, advantages kept happening and I would sit there in a wounded state and wonder… "Why me?" Or "What have I done?"

I realized in a moment of clarity that the common theme was me. I kept finding myself in these places over and over again, until finally I got it one day.

And then I was ashamed and I was angry because here I was again, and I was hurt and I was sad and I realized something.

This was about me owning and claiming my integrity and exercising it in the world, not assuming it would just be there and be blind to what I was walking into.

It was a reclaiming of power and an honest reflection of I can’t assume everyone or everything is going to be exactly where I am and I need to pay attention to that.

You need to pay attention to that…

Integrity, or your version of it, is not a given. 

Don’t assume it is going to be there, or that someone is going to hold it for you, so you can be lax about attending to it yourself.

Don’t blindly trust or lean into spaces without feeling into does this feel aligned for me, or exploring the shared values that are so important to you.

Don’t walk around not knowing what integrity feels like to you.

Do you value sacred space? Ease? Intuition?

Does integrity to you mean someone is walking their talk, that your mentors are trained in what they do? That your partnerships align in every way possible for it to make sense?

Does integrity mean that you have a shared value and expression of communication, that you are on the same page in how you hold yourself and live your life in relationship to what feels aligned to you?

You need to know this so that when you enter into a container, a partnership, a relationship you have something to inform you of whether this is where you are meant to be or not.

If I have learned anything over the last 6 years of my journey, both of stepping into holding greater responsibility in my business, hiring staff, entering into partnerships, is that the conversation and awareness on integrity needs to happen and I need to check it before I just leap with my rose colored glasses on and just say yes, without listening deeply to my sensitivity, intuition and fears.

Sometimes your fears are valid. They are nature's warning system that says, "That lake you are about to swim in is filled with crocodiles."

Or "That path you are about to walk goes right through a forest of snakes that are hanging from trees waiting for their next meal."

It does not mean we are fearful of life, or that we automatically assume everyone is out to get us.

But it does mean we are listening, we are using our intuition, we are using our discernment and wisdom and applying it to our lives.

There is a pause and a space I give myself now before I say yes to things, to investments, to mentors, to partnerships, that I didn’t give myself before.

I take some time to listen to my feelings, and my intuition, and my fears, what is coming up for me, is there a part of me that is giving me a warning, and if so what is that warning about.

I know the measurement of integrity, what my values and vision are, what needs to be aligned so that integrity can be maintained and never assume that it is just in existence or that I am on the same page with another.

I seek out my alignment, because I am clear on what it is, so when it shows up I know.

My wise old horse, Indra, once said to me…

"It is either in alignment or it is not.."

So I listen to that now, that soft underbelly and whispers of intuition that say not now… or wait... or this is not the time... or this is not the relationship... Even though on the surface it seems to be, or I really want it to be, or am desperate for it to be. (That has gotten me in trouble.)

Integrity is not a given…

It is a process and conversation.

It is something that requires clarity and upholding.

It needs discernment to be honored.

And it is our role to empower it.

No one else’s.

So pay attention…

If you are reading this, perhaps you have gotten an intuition that something, or some path or some choice just doesn’t feel right.

Trust that…

Get curious about it…

"What is my intuition or sensitivity speaking to me?"

Perhaps it is time to get clear on what your values are, where integrity lies for you, so you know and you can seek out the things that empower that.

Where are you failing to hold integrity for yourself and expecting others to? Time to empower your own sense of worth and values in who you are and what you need in relationship to what you surround yourself with.

Give yourself permission to have pause, to use discernment as a way to empower a trusting and available heart and space for things to come to you, because you really can have both, and you need to have discernment to be trusting and open to life and all that it is bringing towards you.

Listen to your gut, give space to the wisdom of your fears, and remember the only one who holds the integrity of yourself and your direction, your life and your purpose is you.

No one else.

Integrity is not a given…

But the way you hold it within yourself and your life can be.

This is the most powerful lesson I have learned, a most sacred space I now give room to which has lead to a greater empowerment and trust of my own intuition and alignment.

That space is available for you to step into right now as well…

You weren't meant to hide

Coming out of the shadows...

5 years ago, I stood in a stall of a barn, doing my morning duties thinking to myself how I would be ok with just staying in the backdrop.

Of spending my time doing chores and hanging out with my horses never to emerge in the light of day or in front of people.

I thought to myself how much a part of me really wanted to keep hiding, to keep it simple, quiet and without boldness.

Or so I thought...

I can actually remember the morning I contemplated this, complete with what I was wearing – my bright pink sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt.

"I could just do this," I thought to myself.

I really could.

It would be easier, it is safe, I don’t have to put myself out there, or speak to anyone.

I could really just do this.

I believed that. And what I also noticed when I spoke that to myself was a contraction I felt inside of me.

I thought it was related to a fear of putting myself out there. I would come to realize the contraction was due to entertaining the thought of not being in pursuit of my purpose.

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To back things up...

This barn and this stall that I was cleaning belonged to the first facility I leased. It was a leap towards me jumping fully into seeing if I could make this passion and calling of working with horses work. I had felt like I had to give it a good try, no more dabbling, and so I jumped head first.

I found this beautiful facility to lease and I stepped into it. My courage quickly faded as I was faced with the reality of running my own business, having overhead, 5 horses and the pressure of paying the bills, finding clients and not having a clue how to do it all.

I fumbled, I fell, and I got scared.

I was terrified of putting myself out there. I was uncertain in my own gifts and ability to hold space in my work. I was overwhelmed with responsibility and the reality of running my own business on a single income as a 29 year old young introverted woman.

So that day in the barn, the small relief of that thought was balm to my fear. 

Except that it wasn’t.

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Another fear emerged that day…

What if she doesn’t step into what is calling her?

What if I fail?

What if this purpose of mine isn’t it?

What if I lose a home for my horses because I was too afraid?

What if I don’t try?

I would battle these fears for close to two years, getting more and more contracted in myself, getting more and more in debt, chasing the worries that overwhelmed me I lost touch with the belief and spark that lead me here to begin with.

And truthfully, that is the reality of it.

We get inspired, we leap, we have our moments of clarity in our belief and then reality hits, and then we get paralyzed and afraid, and then we hide.... from ourselves, from what spurred us on in the first place, from our courage and, most importantly, from what we were meant to create in the world through our gifts and our voices.

When I finally emerged from my cocoon and shelter of fear and comfort zone, I realized something.

That day in the barn I wasn’t afraid of being seen, or putting myself out there. I was afraid that I was going to give up on myself.

5 years later, I now find myself on a million-dollar 80-acre ranch straight from the visions I had as a little girl, with a successful practice full of amazing women, and a herd of 14 horses.

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And here is another truth.

I had a conversation with my parents this year sharing about all of my doubts and fears because, of course, they are still here. Diving into our big dreams and purpose tends to be fertile ground for them.

And I shared something with them in a conversation of honesty of what I have bitten off in my life and what I have continued to step into.

Through some tears I shared…

I am not afraid of failing, or walking away if I am not able to pull this off for the longevity and sustainability of what this needs to be.

I am afraid that I will quit on myself, or that I won't be able to connect to that inner fire I have that got me this far.

I am terrified of losing that.

There was a moment 4 years ago when I was teetering on the edge of facing a reality of I had to make this work or figure something else for my life path and I remember looking out the window looking at my horses saying to myself, "If it is here it is because I am meant for it."

And I changed things around…

I choose to anchor into the part of me that believed, that was seeking the spotlight and visibility so I could share the wisdom of the horses, their medicine and finally claiming my own.

That knew I was born because there was something I was meant to share with the world, that I wasn’t meant to hide away.

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I found her…

And sometimes it takes us going to our edges to be forced to seek out another aspect of ourself and this is what my journey of claiming the depth of my purpose and dreams has done for me.

I look at it as an opportunity to stretch myself into a greater depth to myself, and there is where I find sweet relief.

Because I am remembering the truth of who I am and what I am meant for.

The last 5 years have been some of the most challenging, heart wrenching, miraculous and blessed of my lives.

I have stepped into things I didn’t think I had in me to do.

I find myself living a deeply fulfilling and purposeful life on a piece of property I thought was way far in the future.

I have people seeking me out for the spaces I hold, I am living a life with my heart and joy in my horses and doing what I felt like I came here on the earth to do.

I witness transformation each day with those I get to teach and mentor and coach, and also within myself.

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I still get afraid. I still have moments when I am standing in my field and I think to myself, I could just do this all day, and sometimes that is an ok thing to do.

But I also know that I am not meant to hide.

It doesn’t bring me the comfort I seek.

I am much more capable than I give myself credit for.

People and horses benefit from my presence. My courage is deeply rooted and never ending and the path to what I really want to walk and create through in my life comes from honoring where I am called to show up.

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The same is true for you…

I tell my clients all the time….

Your fears are not truths, neither are your doubts or the lens in which you see yourself.

You must seek out another part of you.

The one that is courageous, excited even about showing the world who you are and what you can do.

The one that doesn’t deny or close down her gifts in fear she won’t be accepted because she knows better.

The one that says, "Of course you can and why wouldn’t you do anything but believe in yourself and your dreams!"

You have that voice…

Let her lead you….

And I will tell you something else.

Hiding is not giving you what you want. It is making it worse because you were not meant to hide in the shadows.

Time to come out…

We are waiting for you...

So are your dreams…

Love,
Your coach and guide,
Hillary

Ps. if you are looking for a soulful community to hold you in the bravery of sharing yourself and your gifts more openly with the world, and in discovery of the depth of your purpose and medicine, I would love to welcome you to my Soul Tribe group.

>> Click here to join us.

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