What Is Resistance Really About?

What do you do when you notice resistance coming up?

Do you sit and say a bunch of positive affirmations? Pray? Journal?

I had this image of being in lotus position trying really hard to think positive thoughts wishing my resistance away.

Maybe if I repeat this affirmation over and over again multiple times things will change, my resistance will magically disappear.

And we might do that, but still it lingers underneath the current of our energy.

Positive affirmations are great, and they do work, but it is sometimes a bandaid solution that does not move us beyond our resistance.

Prayers are great too. You all know how much I believe in divine intervention and yet here is the thing.

Those are all support wings of creating shifts but if we really want to get beyond resistance we have to get to the root of why it is there in the first place.

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Sometimes resistance is there as an opportunity for us to clear about what we want, to check in on if we are headed down the right path, if we are alignment, so often the best thing to do with resistance is to be with it. Really be with it and ask why are you here.

I was noticing tonight a familiar place of discomfort and resistance coming over me. Instead of washing over it, I asked

Where is this from?

I waited and I listened.

And then a memory came up.

Years ago, I was on a visit to an Arabian farm with my mother. She was writing an article about this couple who bred Arabians and bloodlines all the way from Israel and Egypt where the bloodlines were the purest.

I remember being in awe in their arena watching one of their young horses trot around. A woman was there working and she told me she went to Olds College for their breeding program.

I was 13 years old and I knew in that moment I needed to go to that college and be a horse breeder. I lit up.I could feel it in my bones.

And 6 years later, I in fact did get into Olds College. 1 of 10 students in the only breeding program in Canada.

Fast forward 3 years after that and I found myself working at this very same breeding farm as their head barn manager.

But here is the thing…

It wasn’t roses, far from it.

The people ended up to be really not wonderful people, the horses were mistreated, I was mistreated, working 6 days a week, hardly being paid anything.

I remember one night before heading to work I looked up to the sky and prayed for a break. I needed some time off. I was exhausted and I was unhappy and slightly traumatized at where I was working.

The next day I went to work, one of my tasks was to put ointment on their prized stallion who they kept in a stall 24/7 because they didn’t want him getting hurt out in the field. Well he ended up getting hurt in his stall. As I was applying ointment to his leg, he kicked out, because it stung and I was standing in a really not great place and I got kicked in the leg.

And as I flew across the stall I thought to myself I hope it’s broken. It wasn’t but I got a hematoma and lost feeling in my leg and had to be driven to emergency. I was on crutches for a week.

The point to the story that I landed on tonight was underneath the resistance for me was anger and a bit of something else.

That time at that farm – that had begun my journey to be a horse breeder was heartbreaking for me, my ideal of what this career was meant to be about, the joy I had about being back at the farm that started it in the first place – wasa really terrible experience for me on multiple levels.

I can look back at that now and know it lead me here to this path with horses but going through it, I was really angry.

Because why would the universe bring me to a place that would be that horrible?

Often what is underneath the resistance is an experience we once had in our youth, in our young adulthood that was traumatic for us.

And sometimes we don’t deal with the emotions of it, so it lingers. And each time we brave a new path that may look similar to the one we are on, we get triggered.

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Resistance is often an opportunity for us to look into the past, heal our old wounds so we can meet the present path with optimism and embracing what is pulling us forward.

Sometimes when we are in the moment of something, we can’t process it all.

So when resistance shows up, I will get curious about it:

Where is it connected to?

And then I wait to see what comes up, and then I write about it, journal about it so I can release the emotions attached to it.

Sometimes while doing so I can land on a nugget of wisdom that I meant to hold to empower my way forward.

Maybe it is discernment and looking into a deeper level of what is around me.

Maybe it is boundaries or self-care.

As I get the nugget and piece of wisdom, the resistance loosens its hold on me.

Because resistance isn’t negative or bad. Sometimes it is a journey of letting go what we need to settle into so we can continue.

Sometimes we would rather skip over it, skim over it with positive mantras or just think positive thoughts and it will go away when what we are really being asked to do is go there.

If it is resonating with you…

Pay attention to what resistance is pointing you towards, sit with it, ask it why it is here, what does it need? What does it have for you to see? What is it bringing up so it can be let go?

Because, often, the best way around resistance is through it…

A horse named Nugget – Wisdom from a horse.

I spent a rainy afternoon walking the fields of a friend and client meeting her herd of horses. I had come that day to spend some time in person with her supporting her in stepping more fully into her own medicine.

Come meet the horses.

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There was a beautiful palomino named Nugget who demanded attention. When I walked up to this horse, I could immediately feel a kingliness about himself. I could feel how this horse considered himself royalty. While standing with him, I could see a vision of him adorned in beautiful bridles with jewels and gold. "King Nugget," I shared this with my friend and she laughed, "That is Nugget."

Whenever I meet a horse or even spend time with one of my own, I am always curious as to what mirror or reflection and awareness this horse is bringing me.

Even with my own herd of 17, I am always curious.

Today it was Nugget with his absolute ownership and confidence of his presence, his place and of the lineage of who he was.

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It is not often we give ourselves permission to gloat, or to speak of our own glory.

It is not often we are unapologetic in wearing so boldly, and with authority, our own magnificence.

But in this stunning piece of land, amid the rain and small herd, this horse exuded it.

So I was curious, both for myself, and for my client, where are we holding back?

Truth…

We are rarely comfortable stepping into our fullness, seeing it for ourselves and declaring it with the world.

We can be afraid of coming off as boastful or arrogant, so we hide, or shy away, or we stay in our humility.

But here is the thing.

There is something beautiful about us claiming our own brilliance, of owning our glory and our gifts. It is a powerful thing to behold and to be inspired by when we hold our own greatness.

In my own journey I have seen the transformation and the impact in my own world as I got comfortable or pushed the edges of my comfort of shining fully in my own light.

And as I stood with this horse, I was curious... Are there places I am still holding back?

Are there places you are still holding back?

What if….

What if we were not afraid to own who we were?

To dress the way we wished to dress, even if it meant wearing a crown adorned with glitter and jewels?

What if we were not afraid to speak our truths, to acknowledge our greatness, to see ourselves holding court with those we were inspired by?

What if we stopped hiding thinking we were being humble and instead owned the glory of our brilliance?

What if we shined and then pushed ourselves to shine brighter?

When I came home to my own herd later in the afternoon, I took a walk out to my herd and was followed by one of my youngsters, Indy.

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Indy is another horse that exudes confidence. She will one day be lead mare of the herd. She knows that, doesn’t doubt it and owns it.

She is fearless in her being.

As I was open to her own wanting to follow me around, I listened to what she was bringing me.

Be bolder, look deeper, don’t lie to yourself about who you are and what you bring to the world.

So even if I think I have come a long way, I was reminded today that perhaps there is more to come.

Thoughts, dreams and visions I have about the type of leadership I wish to bring into the world, where I hope to contribute with my purpose, the company I would love to stand alongside of.

And in my heart today I also noticed a fear and doubt that said, don’t be too greedy, don’t be too ambitious, or egotistical and I deflected those deeper desires.

And these two horses put me in my place.

"Stop doing that," they said. "Follow that inner calling to occupy and see more of your brilliance and be that in the world."

So as I reflect on this today, as I begin to step into the visions that speak to me, I give permission to unfurling my wings a little more wider, of shining my light a little brighter, of going for things even though I think it might be judged as too much and own the part of me that knows better is saying.

Time to shine brighter.

Time to shine brighter, fellow reader.

A perspective on leadership

I have been having conversations lately – with clients, with colleagues, with friends – around the concept and intention of leadership.

More importantly our often discomfort and sensitivity to being a leader, and even more deeply, to understand what it even means to be a leader, to hold a position of leadership, and to step into it.

Leadership is a word most of us recognize. We see it, we might read about or study it, we can identify what it means.

We see it being used as a way to call us forward on our path.

But what is leadership really?

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A perspective . . .

There has been a large portion of my life where I had an awareness that there was something I was here to do.

And when I say here I mean earth.

There is a purpose to my life and my “job” has been to figure out what that is.

I was sharing this weekend with a woman who reached out to me to look for a space being held for her.

I didn’t seek out being a “leader” or more accurately an emerging leader in my industry. I don’t have an ambition of being in the spotlight, or being recognized or having fame.

And that isn’t leadership.

Leadership is a responsibility. It is an honoring and a stake we put in the ground that says what I feel I am meant to be a messenger for, what is calling me forward to be a beacon of. Where purpose is asking me to show up, I show up.

Leadership is also not about popularity, or being liked, and most definitely not about being comfortable.

Leadership is about edges, putting our own personal discomfort aside, doing our inner work, coming back to aligning ourselves to the bigger why of our work and having the courage to put ourselves forward for that instead of continuing to hide because we don’t want to be seen.

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For years I hid behind my horses, and probably behind my purpose. I made it about the containers I held, leaving myself out of it.

Because it was uncomfortable. Because the responsibility sometimes felt heavy. Because I wanted people to like me. I didn’t want my clients to be uncomfortable, and because I didn’t want to be seen.

I wanted to be safe and I was afraid of creating waves. As someone who probably identifies herself more often to a peacekeeper than a leader, I didn’t want to be a force in the world. I wanted to create a peaceful and purposeful space for myself.

I didn’t seek out leadership. Leadership sought out me.

And I fought it for a long time.

Because that wasn’t who I am.

Until I became awakened to something.

Leadership isn’t just about me.

I have had moments where I have stood in my field with my horses, looking around me seeing the shifts in my herd. My horses come to me needing homes, a second purpose, an out from a potential heartbreaking ending to their life. And I give it to them. And in these moments when I watch my horses, I get it.

Oh…

This isn’t just about me…

And I will tell you something…

Any discomfort I feel about being in the “spotlight” or taking a position of leadership or speaking a tone or a message that might create waves...

Is worth it.

Something I often say to my clients:

Your job is not to make people comfortable. That is not why they come to you.

They are seeking transformationillumination, clarity, confidence, change.

They want something different, and they are seeking you out to hold it for them.

Keeping them comfortable or being afraid of creating waves is not serving them and it is not what you do.

Being a leader means we recognize that the discomfort leads to change, to shifting and a greater alignment to a greater vision.

Leadership is an opportunity for us to create a stake for a greater impact and ripple effect of purpose and transformation for our world.

It is bravery and congruency and, in some ways, I experience leadership as a connection to our higher power, our inner wisdom and a deeper knowing within ourselves that we bring out into the world.

And for those that are seeking it and that resonates to it, it becomes a powerful space that then awakens them to something deeper. Which is what they want.

Leadership is not about power, or fortune. It is not about celebrity or popularity.

It is about understanding our role in a greater conversation of change that we are meant to be a part of.

Whether it is awakening the human consciousness, or advocating for a better world for our future generations, or a more ethical and humane treatment of animals.

It is bigger than you.

It also requires you.

Most of the people I work with are not those that seek out leadership positions but they feel called to hold space for something... a purpose and a calling.

Their struggle is they don’t appreciate how necessary their perspective, their voice and what I call their medicine is to that conversation or shift that they feel called to.

And so another perspective of leadership is our ability to acknowledge the importance of our voice and our message and our responsibility to bring it out into a greater conversation.

It isn’t about us being comfortable. It is about us being able to put aside our own personal fears and doubts about ourselves, and understanding our role into something greater.

And that is uncomfortable.

But we are not called to step forward for no reason.

It is not pointless that we feel compelled, or passionate, or purposeful about certain things.

And those callings are also not given to us for us to hoard or keep within ourselves because we are too afraid to be out there.

I know in the moments I feel most afraid, where there is terror often associated with where I am being asked or nudged to show up, where discomfort shadows me, that this is the path I am meant to step forward on.

That leadership is a purpose and a space of honoring the purpose of my life and ripple effect of that.

We need to get used to this….

We are here for something greater than ourselves, and our presence is important and necessary for what we are called to be a part of.

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If you are reading this...

An encouragement:

You may not feel ready, or certain. You most likely are feeling uncomfortable and wishing you could continue to stay hidden.

You also know you can’t.

The part of you that knows you can’t this is the part of you to allow to lead for this moment.

To gain a deeper perspective of leadership, to remind yourself there is purpose and necessity to you and then take a big dose of courage and get out there.

Write the post, share the story, create the offering, write the book, be courageous and remember.

This isn’t just about you...

And this isn’t about comfort.

This is about purpose. 

The Power and Certainty of Belief

I have been quiet lately…

Well, I think I have.

I notice whenever I get both quiet and restless, there is something happening.

Expansion, stress, overwhelm, space being made for new things.

There is a stillness and a desire to retreat more that comes over me.

As I resurface slightly from my own internal musings I felt called to write about something called belief.

An essential ingredient when building anything of substance, of wishing for something to happen, of manifestation. We must seek it out.

Fear and doubt...

Fear and doubt are our constant companions in this journey of life as a human. They will always be walking with us side by side as we dream, as we pursue, and take action towards and walk with what we are called to walk with in life.

They can be loud and obvious and they can also be quiet and live in the subconscious of our day to day lives.

I notice…

When there is a stirring, as there has been lately, a nudge towards evolution, expansion or change, the subtle notes of fear and doubt become louder.

I hadn’t even noticed how present they were until I got curious as to what is underneath this anxiety that I feel within myself lately?

Belief…

Fear and doubt, at times, stem from the absence of belief, in self, in trusting that things will unfold positively, that we will be ok.

When we lack belief, we hold more tightly to doubt or fear.

What if I never make the money I need to?

Or no one buys my services?

Or my message falls flat?

Or my house burns down? (as I watch fires be burned around me in my province of British Columbia)

What if I never meet my soulmate?

Or what if my dreams are just delusions?

Or I won’t get that job?

Or I won’t find my tribe?

Fears and doubts in absence of belief.

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DEEP BREATHE…

When I notice the anxiety, I know most certainly that it is my trigger letting me know there is break in belief in myself, in holding a higher vision of my life and nurturing the stake of things working out, as much as I do the fear that it won’t.

It is the most certain and powerful energy to tune into to move us beyond our self-sabotage, when things feel dark and foggy, uncertain and lacking clarity.

The big question:

How do we seek out and nurture belief when it doesn’t seem to exist?

Here is what I want to remind you or to enlighten you with.

Belief always exist within us. Always.

I believe and am certain that, along with our doubts and our fears, we also have a part of us that is knowing of a higher picture.

Call it your soul, higher self, spirit. It is ever present in the waking moments of our lives.

For me I find this center when I am with my horses, on my land, listening to music, meditating... In those spaces it is easier to conjure up the part of me that exists there.

Where does belief exist in you?

If you could think about moments, or times where you may have connected to this aspect of yourself, what were they?

Seek them out!

Go to the beach, connect with that friend, explore the outdoors, move your body, and intentionally let yourself be reminded that you hold belief alongside everything else.

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A mantra…

One of my favorite ways of conjuring up belief and holding it in my mental mind is to create mantras.

I believe in my ability to create my success.

I believe that everything will be ok.

I believe in myself.

And when I notice the anxiety creep up, I turn to these mantras with the connection to the spaces within myself that hold them and I stay there for a moment or two, or 15, or 30, and I hold that space for myself.

Don’t underestimate the power of belief.

How we feel about ourselves, what we hold within us, has great impact on what manifests around us.

Just the subtle shift towards this alignment can change everything.

And if you notice yourself resonating with this post, or noticing how noisy those fears and doubts are, the good news is…

You are moving towards something that is more greatly aligned to where you wish to go.

I know in the moments of uncertainty and doubt I am most definitely on the right path. It lets me know it is a sign that I am shifting myself into deeper alignment, because often alignment comes from discomfort.

And belief is going to be the energy, the anchor that is going to move you beyond your doubt.

Step into where you are being asked to expand and meet your most deepest desires for your life, for your sacred work and for yourself.

I know this to be true because as I sit here writing this from a home on this beautiful ranch I now call home, I am speaking about the pathways that have lead me to step into this.

It is simple yet powerful thing for us to do to stoke the fires of belief for ourselves and our greatest visions that are waiting for us to step into.

What they don't tell you about running your own business

There are things they don’t tell you about running your own business…
 
Like how it will be the most intense personal growth experience that you will ever go through.
 
Or to be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that comes along with it.
 
Or the doubt and the fear that will arise just after you believed you have overcome a mountain only to encounter another.
 
Or how deep the learning curve will be, how much noise you will have to sift through to come back to your own wisdom, how lonely it will feel at times.
 
They don’t tell you about how normal it is to want to quit, many times over.

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How much terror and panic happen when you are staring at an empty bank account hoping and praying for the next client or money to come through so you can pay your bills.
 
Or how many ways you will find and see people telling you how to succeed, or get to 6 figures and it will be your job to sift through what is going to work for you.

What I wasn’t prepared for…

It has been 5 years since I started my journey of being a full-time entrepreneur, or what I would call "leaping into the space of creating a business around my purpose."
 
It has been the most enlightening, heartbreaking, challenging, growth inducing experience of my life.
 
I have had incredible highs, and deep lows. I have had moments from being in tears and sobbing on the floor because I had no idea how I was going to keep going or pay the bills, to sobbing at my kitchen table when I hit my first 5 figures.
 
There are days where I feel as high as a kite, confident in my voice, my work and the spaces I get to hold for my clients.
 
And there are days where I wonder how I got this far on what sometimes seems like delusion and fantasy and that I am insane to think I could pull this off.

And what this is…

My business has seen an evolution of leasing my first facility to give space to the work I did with my horses, to buying an 80-acre ranch that was the ranch of my dreams and running a full fledged retreat and accommodation facility, while growing my herd to 16 horses, running a full coaching practice and developing a training and certification program around the space I hold with the horses.
 
I have had experiences of making the most money I have ever made in my life, hitting 6 figures and feeling the success of my practice, to falling knee-deep in debt, making sometimes unwise investments and struggling to pay the bills.
 
It all happens in the same breath, sometimes confusing, sometimes rewarding, often with a combination of both.

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And here is some wisdom I have gleaned from this 5 years…

It is ok to fail, to stumble. I tell myself over and over again when I make a mistake, or a bad decision, or am unwise with my money that I am learning, and to take the lesson and apply it.

To hold compassion and forgiveness as high on the list of spaces to hold for self, because you will need it. We forget at times that we are human, that we are messy, that our version of success or “making” it often isn’t pretty and includes what we think is more sideways and up and downs than forward.

To celebrate the successes you have. If you are anything like me, I give myself about a millisecond to celebrate anything and then I put my vision back to the next step of growth, never really relaxing or acknowledging the success or milestones I have created.
 
Surround yourself with people that will empower and lift you up because you will need them. It can be a lonely and, at times, consuming running your own business. Having a community of people that celebrate and empower your journey and remind you of your awesomeness is much needed.
 
Create space for you to reflect, to be, to rest, to gain perspective. It is important. You are the vessel of everything. Without the space for yourself, you will enter burnout and lose sight of why you began what you did in the first place.
 
Have a ritual. Ritual has become a non-negotiable for me, a piece of self-care that without it, I would lose myself to my anxiety and fear. Meditation, journalling, time in nature, exercise... it is important to find that space and time for us to have a container held for us as we create big things in the world.
 
Lighten up! We are our worst critics. We have a harsh and sometimes unreasonable expectations on ourselves of where we need to be and how far along and the guilt or shame we can feel if we are not where we think we have to be. Trust, don’t be so serious or harsh on yourself. It is detrimental to both your growth and the achievement of what you are working towards.

Do the work. And by work I mean the inner work. We can’t create something if we are knee deep in fear and doubt all the time. The most work I do in my days is on myself, my inner world, my beliefs, mindfulness and not losing myself in a pool of insecurity and fears because that kills inspiration and action fast. When we feel in tune with ourselves, when we feel open and allowing, confident and clear, we are much more able to show up, be creative, put ourselves out there because we are feeling and leading from a different place internally.
 
Get a mentor. If there is anything I would change in my life as an entrepreneur and business owner it would be that I would have gotten the right mentor sooner in my journey, and someone that aligned with my values and how I held integrity, that could remind me of my strengths, empower me in my pathway to success and get me beyond my place of paralysis. Having mentors and coaches has saved me many times over in my journey.

Be responsible with your money. This is a big one I am still learning and practicing. When I first started I knew nothing about being responsible in a big way for my finances. I had no idea how to do financial reports or business plans. I avoided my bank account like a plague. I was terrified because the money was going out faster than it was coming in, which ended up in really creating some unnecessary debt and stress. These days I look at how I treat and hold my money with the same integrity and care as anything else. Look at your finances and how you hold it as a key to creating greater abundance. If you don’t know how to track or navigate your way through your finances, ask someone to help you. It is important aspect to running our business.
 
Trust your intuition above all else! Your intuition is wise, it holds answers, it will never steer you wrong. Don’t discount it or override it or ignore it. It is not always an easy or tangible thing for our logical mind to wrap its head around but intuition never lies.
 
Be authentic. Your authenticity is your greatest asset. You don’t need anything other than that. Staying true to you and your voice will always be an important key to holding a pathway that will align and create the success you are seeking.
 
Stay out of comparison and seek out the spaces that feel good. There can be a lot of noise in the online world and in the offline world and it is so easy for us to get dragged under by other people’s stories or shares about what we should do, or how we should show up, or what they have done in how long, that it fuels our own insecurities about our journey. Something I practice: if the space feels good, if I feel aligned and empowered in a community, I stay. If it leaves me feeling anxious or uncomfortable, or just doesn’t feel good, I don’t stay. Good boundaries for yourself around where you spend your time is important.
 
Listen to the advice but always stay within your own wisdom. I am always open for advice and wisdom when it comes to growing and sustaining my business and one thing that I always come back to is take in the stuff that resonates and leave the rest. I try to listen to my own wisdom when paving my way forward while taking in pieces that resonate with how I operate and create in the world. Use discernment, seek out sage wisdom but also let yourself feel into what feels right and true for you.

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And here is a truth for you…

Some of you have watched my journey and some of you may be new to me.
 
The truth is no matter what degree of success we think we see in someone or ourselves, it is still a journey we have to go on internally everyday.
 
There is still growth that happens that never stops, mistakes that can be made, even though we think we should know better.
 
There are still times where the insecurity and doubt get the best of us, where we consider walking away or quitting. This still happens to me even if there is no reason to be this way.
 
Question everything, what you believe to be certain, where you hold a rigid perception about yourself and your journey and find what I like to call anchors that are going to bring you back to yourself.
 
Your business is an expression of you. It is a vehicle for transformation and growth as much as it is about being something we step into to support our dreams and our desires for our life.
 
It is bigger than you and it is also ever changing and morphing so try not to take it too seriously.

What I wasn’t prepared for…

...was this: the growth that comes along with having your own business, the tears, the rewards, the tough nights, the highs, and most importantly, the most intense place of self-discovery I have ever known.
 
But you know what?
 
When I have moments where I can stop for a moment and take it in… Look out into my field and see my horses, witness my own impact…
 
I can truly and authentically say…
 
No matter how many tears and blood and sweat I have felt on this pathway..
 
It has all been worth it.

 
So if you find yourself struggling with something, beating yourself for not having gotten it yet, or having one of those moments of wanting to throw in the towel...
 
You are not alone.
 
This too shall pass.
 
Take a breath. 

And try to focus on how far you have come, remember your strength and trust the vision that lead you here in the first place.

Love,
A fellow purpose holder and entrepreneur,
Hillary

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P.S. In my journey of being an entrepreneur, I have discovered that one of the most important pieces we can hold for ourselves is the clarity and the unbridled sense of our purpose, our message and our ability to hold a space of mastery for ourselves.
 
Over the years I have held space for other purpose-driven, brilliant women that are ready to step into their purpose in a way that feels deeply aligned to the core of who they are.
 
It is a space of mastery, of us giving permission to the unbridled essence of ourselves, our purpose and our medicine and having the courage to create space for it in the world.
 
If you are looking for a space to be held for you to claim more deeply your vision of success and the courage to show up as the leader and light-worker that you are in the world, I would love to introduce you to my new container Unbridled Mastery.
 
A 6-month journey that supports and empowers you in the clarity of your purpose, authentic message and voice in your mission and navigating through holding your business with greater success and clarity without the loss of heart and alignment of how you create in the world.
 
You can learn more about that here...

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