Coming out of the shadows...
5 years ago, I stood in a stall of a barn, doing my morning duties thinking to myself how I would be ok with just staying in the backdrop.
Of spending my time doing chores and hanging out with my horses never to emerge in the light of day or in front of people.
I thought to myself how much a part of me really wanted to keep hiding, to keep it simple, quiet and without boldness.
Or so I thought...
I can actually remember the morning I contemplated this, complete with what I was wearing – my bright pink sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt.
"I could just do this," I thought to myself.
I really could.
It would be easier, it is safe, I don’t have to put myself out there, or speak to anyone.
I could really just do this.
I believed that. And what I also noticed when I spoke that to myself was a contraction I felt inside of me.
I thought it was related to a fear of putting myself out there. I would come to realize the contraction was due to entertaining the thought of not being in pursuit of my purpose.
To back things up...
This barn and this stall that I was cleaning belonged to the first facility I leased. It was a leap towards me jumping fully into seeing if I could make this passion and calling of working with horses work. I had felt like I had to give it a good try, no more dabbling, and so I jumped head first.
I found this beautiful facility to lease and I stepped into it. My courage quickly faded as I was faced with the reality of running my own business, having overhead, 5 horses and the pressure of paying the bills, finding clients and not having a clue how to do it all.
I fumbled, I fell, and I got scared.
I was terrified of putting myself out there. I was uncertain in my own gifts and ability to hold space in my work. I was overwhelmed with responsibility and the reality of running my own business on a single income as a 29 year old young introverted woman.
So that day in the barn, the small relief of that thought was balm to my fear.
Except that it wasn’t.
Another fear emerged that day…
What if she doesn’t step into what is calling her?
What if I fail?
What if this purpose of mine isn’t it?
What if I lose a home for my horses because I was too afraid?
What if I don’t try?
I would battle these fears for close to two years, getting more and more contracted in myself, getting more and more in debt, chasing the worries that overwhelmed me I lost touch with the belief and spark that lead me here to begin with.
And truthfully, that is the reality of it.
We get inspired, we leap, we have our moments of clarity in our belief and then reality hits, and then we get paralyzed and afraid, and then we hide.... from ourselves, from what spurred us on in the first place, from our courage and, most importantly, from what we were meant to create in the world through our gifts and our voices.
When I finally emerged from my cocoon and shelter of fear and comfort zone, I realized something.
That day in the barn I wasn’t afraid of being seen, or putting myself out there. I was afraid that I was going to give up on myself.
5 years later, I now find myself on a million-dollar 80-acre ranch straight from the visions I had as a little girl, with a successful practice full of amazing women, and a herd of 14 horses.
And here is another truth.
I had a conversation with my parents this year sharing about all of my doubts and fears because, of course, they are still here. Diving into our big dreams and purpose tends to be fertile ground for them.
And I shared something with them in a conversation of honesty of what I have bitten off in my life and what I have continued to step into.
Through some tears I shared…
I am not afraid of failing, or walking away if I am not able to pull this off for the longevity and sustainability of what this needs to be.
I am afraid that I will quit on myself, or that I won't be able to connect to that inner fire I have that got me this far.
I am terrified of losing that.
There was a moment 4 years ago when I was teetering on the edge of facing a reality of I had to make this work or figure something else for my life path and I remember looking out the window looking at my horses saying to myself, "If it is here it is because I am meant for it."
And I changed things around…
I choose to anchor into the part of me that believed, that was seeking the spotlight and visibility so I could share the wisdom of the horses, their medicine and finally claiming my own.
That knew I was born because there was something I was meant to share with the world, that I wasn’t meant to hide away.
I found her…
And sometimes it takes us going to our edges to be forced to seek out another aspect of ourself and this is what my journey of claiming the depth of my purpose and dreams has done for me.
I look at it as an opportunity to stretch myself into a greater depth to myself, and there is where I find sweet relief.
Because I am remembering the truth of who I am and what I am meant for.
The last 5 years have been some of the most challenging, heart wrenching, miraculous and blessed of my lives.
I have stepped into things I didn’t think I had in me to do.
I find myself living a deeply fulfilling and purposeful life on a piece of property I thought was way far in the future.
I have people seeking me out for the spaces I hold, I am living a life with my heart and joy in my horses and doing what I felt like I came here on the earth to do.
I witness transformation each day with those I get to teach and mentor and coach, and also within myself.
I still get afraid. I still have moments when I am standing in my field and I think to myself, I could just do this all day, and sometimes that is an ok thing to do.
But I also know that I am not meant to hide.
It doesn’t bring me the comfort I seek.
I am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
People and horses benefit from my presence. My courage is deeply rooted and never ending and the path to what I really want to walk and create through in my life comes from honoring where I am called to show up.
The same is true for you…
I tell my clients all the time….
Your fears are not truths, neither are your doubts or the lens in which you see yourself.
You must seek out another part of you.
The one that is courageous, excited even about showing the world who you are and what you can do.
The one that doesn’t deny or close down her gifts in fear she won’t be accepted because she knows better.
The one that says, "Of course you can and why wouldn’t you do anything but believe in yourself and your dreams!"
You have that voice…
Let her lead you….
And I will tell you something else.
Hiding is not giving you what you want. It is making it worse because you were not meant to hide in the shadows.
Time to come out…
We are waiting for you...
So are your dreams…
Your coach and guide,
Ps. if you are looking for a soulful community to hold you in the bravery of sharing yourself and your gifts more openly with the world, and in discovery of the depth of your purpose and medicine, I would love to welcome you to my Soul Tribe group.