Today I had a meltdown.
Like a full out sobbing, doubting myself, what-was-I-thinking meltdown.
I learned that when I am in this space, it is beneficial to lean into my community and so I did in a conversation with my mother.
I am blessed that I have parents that continue to be supportive of my journey and can be present with me in my moments of vulnerability.
Today was one of them.
And while I was speaking with my mom we navigated through what was going on in my head, where I was feeling fearful and we spoke about this big leap I made with buying this ranch and stepping into the bigness of it.
"You chewed off a lot," she said to me, "and then you found out the reality of it and the learning curve that it included."
And that is true.
I am a dreamer. I am believer of possibilities and the grandness of ourselves, the capacity we have to go for our purpose and reach high.
I live that way….
And that part isn’t fantasy.
The aspect that is a fantasy, however, is when we don’t give ourselves space or allowance to go on the journey to grow into the big dreams we hold for ourselves.
I moved onto an 80-acre ranch in the winter of 2015, after making the decision to go big with my dreams and where I felt I was ready to.
I was on a high of possibility that I didn’t think or give consideration to what I was exactly stepping into.
And the reality is that happens sometimes. We don’t know what is going to unfold or how it is going to be like until we get there.
My first year at the ranch was one of the hardest of my life. I was unprepared and, also, I had no notion of the reality of what I stepped into.
The learning curve of adding another aspect to my business in an accommodation facility, managing staff, hiring the right staff, the emotional stress and tolls holding space for everything would have on me.
Expanding my herd of horses to 15, although that felt easy to me. Dealing with all the particles that goes into the day to day of running a massive facility.
I had no idea…
My fantasy was that I thought I would waltz onto the ranch, it would be easy peasy, I would handle it, it would be smooth sailing, no learning curve needed, I was cool.
And here is the truth that I spoke of with my mother today:
I don’t give myself space to have a learning curve. I don’t give myself permission to navigate through sometimes the tough or challenging reality of figuring things out.
I never have.
My fantasy is, I should just know how to do this.
I have a high bar of expectation for myself and when I don’t hit those bars right away, I feel like I am failing. There is no space within myself for growth or expansion that, of course, come with the journey.
I should be there already... It shouldn’t take long... I shouldn’t have a curve of learning...
And so starts the cycle where I beat myself up because I am holding this fantastical image of myself where I should be perfect and know everything even if it is not something I have ever done before.
From an outsider's perspective, people constantly tell me how inspired they are of me, how much I have accomplished in 3 short years, both in my business and my impact.
I am successful in my practice and where I am professionally. My spaces are impactful. I lead a certification program, and constantly have a tribe of amazing and wonderful people that seek me out for my knowledge and for my mentorship.
There is often where I see how far I need to go, where I haven’t “met” the success that I feel I should have by now.
And today was a wonderful opportunity for me to see clearly those voices of expectation and where they come from.
A place of fantasy that is not rooted in reality, but in fear and in sabotage, where it is formed in assumption and ideals that give no room for the journey, the real space of learning and the appreciation of growth and what the authentic place of purpose and appreciation of myself lie.
The ideals I have of myself and expectations of where I should be are not real.
They are not for you either.
We all have our blind spots. I got illuminated in some of mine today, and it was healing for me to speak them out loud because it is probably the first time in a long time that I realized how harshly I was judging myself and how disconnected I was from the reality of myself and my journey.
My mom ended the call today saying to me how proud she and my dad are of me, how amazed they are at what I have accomplished and that they have no doubt of my capabilities.
I started the call today in tears and riddled with self-doubt and harshness for myself. I ended with a new clarity.
I share this because I want people to know what we see in others in their building or on the surface doesn’t always match the experience of the person.
I am not any different from anyone else who still struggles at times with unmet and unrealistic expectations of myself, and a distortion of how I hold my life. We are human. Myself included.
Even amidst the success, the raves of clients, and the impact of my work, I still personally have my moments of struggle where I get overwhelmed with my own shit and filters that I can’t see what is in front of me.
Or I don’t give permission to the journey of it.
The massive growth and expansion I have had over the last year and a half has widened my edges, given me intelligence in many more aspects of running a business, a solid understanding of building a team of support, things I didn’t have and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gone through it.
It gives me the ability to resonate and relate to my clients because I have been there, done that and have seen my way through…. And sometimes still am.
I am wiser, more grounded, more discerning, which only adds to the value of my own growth and those I can provide to others.
I am stronger because of what I have been through. I have been tested which had me unravel and dismantle old beliefs and ideals that didn’t serve me. I have emerged time and time again in awe of myself and feeling more in tune with my authenticity.
That doesn’t happen when we live in a fantasy that everything is always going to be smooth sailing, or we will be masters at the beginning, or we don’t give space to the journey.
I was reminded of that powerfully today.
And I am sharing it with you today…
So if you find yourself questioning, or beating yourself up, or holding unrealistic standards of perfectionism on yourself...
Stop for a moment…
It is not your authentic perspective that is giving you that.
Take a breath… close your eyes and look again.
Speak to someone who can give you another perspective and remind you of how far you have come, how inspired they are by you, so you can see that for yourself.
I am grateful I got that gift today and that I was brave enough to ask for it.
I don’t have to lose myself in that fantasy anymore, or when I find myself going there I know now what it is.
And then I can sink back into the sweetness and depth of my reality, dreaming big and living wildly the way I always have.
Same to you….