It wasn’t buying a ranch…
Or saying yes to my dreams…
Or taking on 14 rescue horses…
Or driving across the country to move my life from east to west…
It wasn’t investing thousands of my own money in business…
Or doing a ropes course during leadership…
Or falling in love…
The scariest thing I ever did….
Was to own my gifts with confidence in the world.
Because, in truth, one of the hardest things we can do as humans is to acknowledge and step into our own mastery and brilliance.
I can remember moments where I have been paralyzed by fear, lying on my floor crying because I was so afraid and surrendering to it.
On the surface I thought I was afraid of the financial responsibilities of carrying a business and a retreat center, or the overwhelm of doing it on my own.
Or when I believed it to be because I wasn’t afraid that I would be judged or people wouldn’t like me.
Or when I thought the root of the fear was, "What if I fail?"
But the truth when I got down to it, when I really let myself settle into it, was that I was afraid to step into my gifts.
What if I claim them and people come to pay me money and I suck?
What if I don’t really have them?
What if I own it and then I have to deliver and then find out I am a fraud?
Didn’t matter that I have had, for years, people praising me or telling me how impactful my work was, or the affirmation I was getting in the spaces I held for my clients.
It was a fear….
When I first started doing retreats…. And in fact this still happens to a degree I would secretly wish no one would show up.
I was terrified of not being able to perform or having people come to the reliance of me. I remember sharing this with my own coach one day and she said to me, "It is in these moments you are forgetting your gifts."
Forgetting and also, "Shit, if I really own it that means I have to step up and show up through them, I can’t run away anymore, I can’t hide, I can’t use excuses, it means that will be it, here I am."
And it is a vulnerable place to me.
I always joke to people if I wanted to just make money I would have done something else. Being a facilitator, a coach, a leader requires so much of me, my energy, my essence, my medicine and I can’t hide in those places. Not really.
When people tell me they are afraid of horses and that is why they may not come to do a session with myself and my herd, I often know that it is not the horses or their size that they are afraid of. It is what will be mirrored back to them within their embrace.
They intuitively know, "With a horse I would not be able to hide from myself any longer."
And here is the big reveal that I want to give you.
The lie that is buried in the fear of us being seen or claiming our gifts and our brilliance in the world is this:
We are afraid we don’t have it.
We think and believe ourselves to be deeply flawed, incapable, of not being special. Most often we sit in the space of denial of our own truth and that is.
We are gifted.
We are brilliant.
Masterful in our medicine and in our essence.
I have been proven many times over how my fear that I am no good, or not brilliant or delusional in thinking I have anything I could call forth or mentor my clients in that I am finally beginning to get it.
And it is still the most terrifying thing I have had to face on my journey.
The dismantling of the tower of beliefs in who I thought I was and claim something else for myself and then show up into it.
What triggered this post?
I have a dream.
I have a desire to bring the work with the horses to leaders in the world. To teach and to bring awareness to the power of the space they hold.
It is happening….
And I am terrified…
What if they don’t get anything out of it?
What if they think it is too woo?
What if it doesn’t work?
What if nothing happens when I bring them out there?
I have facilitated hundreds of people with the horses. I have been blown away by the magic and the profoundness of the space over and over again.
And I am still terrified…
Getting over that fear, putting myself out there, giving space to my gifts within the context of the spaces I hold with my clients and with my herd continues to be my greatest obstacle of fear to overcome.
It is uncomfortable and yet each time I am faced with it, it becomes a little bit easier to move through.
Where I can catch myself in the lie and forgetting and come back to the deep inner trust of, "Of course this is what you are meant to do and of course it is a gift for others to experience."
The believing of that has become easier over the years and it is still something I have to work at.
And perhaps it always will.
But let me share something with you….
With emotion in my heart….
6 years ago, I moved across the country because my heart told me to. I had no job, I didn’t know what I was going to do and I was scared out of my mind.
These last 6 years I have come to choosing to hold my gifts and my purpose as deeply as I could, transforming my beliefs around my ability to hold it and I have done so.
And I sit here on this ranch, having lead, and taught, and coached, and guided. And I can’t believe I am here.
And yet I can….
2 years ago I gave myself this intention… I wanted to get it.
To get how impactful my medicine was.
To get how necessary my purpose was in the world.
To get the truth of who I really was.
I wanted to get it.
The journey to getting it as it continues has pushed me to the brink of my fears but when I filtered through all the surface of them this is what was at the core.
And then I found something…
A gem and a hidden treasure that I continue to unbury…
In all her glory with all her bravery to look in the mirror and flex her wings and trust her wisdom and say…. "Here I am…"
I see her now…
And that is the scariest and continues to be the scariest thing I have ever done.
Instead of being afraid of your light, you embraced it?
What if instead of believing in the falsehoods about who you are, you sought out a deeper truth?
What if instead of being in pursuit of your fears, you found the courage to be in pursuit and reverence of your own mastery and gifts?
What if you knew…. you got it… you felt it… and never doubted….?