There is a card in one of my oracle card decks that says:
Don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle occurs.
I remember I used to pull this card when I was in the midst of a meltdown or freak out entertaining the worry that my dream or direction was never going to happen.
I have had so many moments in my journey where I have threatened to quit, have sat on the floor of my room crying in despair because I just couldn't see or fathom what was waiting for me around the corner.
We are so quick to drop into the space of quitting or, more deeply, losing hope on our dreams, our visions and ourselves.
There is always going to be an aspect of our nature that is going to be skeptical, that will not be trusting on the process, that will forget to believe or to expect that, of course, everything is going to work out.
Being human means we doubt. We have an ego. We forgot ourselves sometimes. We naturally will be inclined to be fearful about our future and bring up the baggage of the past.
But in case you needed a reminder…
Just because we think something, doesn’t make it true.
Just because we can’t see things unfolding before our eyes, doesn’t mean it isn’t.
I remember 6 years ago, I made the move across the country from Ontario to British Columbia. I moved because something was calling me west.
I moved because there was a part of me that trusted that nudge and calling to follow the invisible threads of my life.
So I did…
I drove west with my 3-month-old puppy and my horse, Indra, and landed in our new home out west.
I had no job, no idea what I was going to do to support myself at that point in my life and I remember getting to my new home, a basement suite on a farm, and losing my shit.
I sat in the middle of a pile of my suitcases yet to be unpacked and I sobbed. I got lost in my own insanity of moving so far from home with no plan. My faith was so low at that moment. I felt lost and scared and alone.
It didn’t last….
I had a puppy that needed to be walked, a horse that needed to be taken care of, so I wiped my tears and fought to keep myself from drowning.
I got a job as a nanny part-time until I figured it out.
And I did.
Because there was a part of me that reminded myself of my own magic, my ability to manifest. Even when that aspect of myself was hard to find sometimes, it was still there.
So I kept going…
I have learned, coming this far in my life, that those moments of quiet and panic and fear pass and they don’t dictate the future.
Within a year of me moving west, I manifested myself a beautiful 17.5-acre farm to lease as my first entry to running my own facility.
I leaped into the dream of holding a deeper space for my purpose, went from 1 horse to 5 and began the journey of creating a powerful space for my work in the world.
And guess what?
It was really hard…
Learning how to run a business, charge money for my services, support a large overhead of a facility was not something I was prepared to do and, really, I had no clue.
And I fell again to panic and worry of how I was going to pull this off, lacking confidence in myself, doubting my abilities in myself as a facilitator and coach and also a business woman. I was plagued with anxiety.
And the debt mounted and I got more and more afraid and, of course, seriously considered walking away.
But one day looking out into the horse field, a voice whispered to me, "If it is here it means you were meant for it and you can pull it off."
It was a moment of absolute stillness but I could feel the truth of it.
So I kept going again…
Within 6 months of that, I had hit 6 figures in my business, paid off a big chunk of my debt and was flying high in my faith and belief in myself. I had a thriving practice, my clients loved me and I loved my work.
And then I bought a ranch about 6 months after that.
And expanded my life more than I ever had before – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
In the winter of December of 2015, I moved to a beautiful 80-acre facility, expanded my business to include running an accommodation and retreat facility, gave homes to more horses bringing my herd to 13 and moved 9 horses in the dead of winter.
I was on a high after finally becoming profitable in my business, having found the success in figuring out how to empower my natural gifts and finding the confidence in the spaces I held for others.
I believed deeply in my ability to manifest because of what I had done the year before so I had no reason to believe this wasn’t going to work.
And the truth…
The year I moved on the ranch was one of the hardest of my life and I threatened to quit and walk away many times.
I woke up in cold sweats with panic of having a million dollar mortgage, lots of bills and greater responsibility of now having staff and running multiple businesses.
I really didn’t think I could do it. I lost faith in myself. I got angry at the universe because why in god's name would I get put on this ranch only to fail.
And in those moments of a steep learning curve, I really honestly considered that maybe this wasn’t meant for me.
And then I remembered.
I have been here before…
I remembered when I first moved west and when I leased my first facility and how afraid I was then.
Where I doubted my ability and questioned my sanity and faith.
And here I was on this beautiful facility with a 6-figure business and a life that I had dreamed of having since I was a little girl.
You can do this, Hill…
Don’t quit before you see what you are capable of.
One day I walked my land as I did everyday with my dogs and I looked to the sky and I said quietly to myself, "I am still here."
I decided then if I was going to quit, it wasn’t going to be during a time where I felt vulnerable and in fear.
It would be because it didn’t feel like truly it was meant to happen, but I realized in my current state I wasn’t sound enough to hear that wisdom.
So I let go of the threat and I kept going.
And here I am.
2017 has been an emergence, a reclaiming, a deepening of trust to allow the journey to be what it is without getting too attached to what I am only seeing on the surface.
My revenue has grown, my confidence feels solid, programs filled, retreats booked and I laugh at how silly I can be sometimes being so dramatic when I haven’t even taken 10 steps beyond the starting point of my dreams.
When we are in the heat of the moment, in the midst of the fall we can forget that there is anything else than what we are experiencing.
But it isn’t everything.
There is a journey that is still unfolding, miracles that are being written as we speak, manifestations that are just beyond the surface of your life.
Just because you can’t see them yet doesn’t mean they are not there.
I think one of the hardest things we can do is stay with the faith and belief that everything will be okay.
To ride the waves of our experiences without making up a story about it and to stay the course.
We want instant results, gratifications and proof that what we are moving towards exists.
And we don’t always get that and that is good thing.
We wouldn’t be stretched or expanded in who we are, we wouldn’t know the depth of our strength, we wouldn’t cultivate the edges of our wisdom, we wouldn’t grow or transform.
Each time I go through the ride from the start and finish of the rainbow of my dreams I promise myself once I get to the other side that I will never doubt myself or life ever again.
I am smart enough now not to say that because, the truth is, there is still a part of me that goes through the doubt every time I step into the next level and evolution of my dreams and my life.
Now, I just embrace the fact that part of my nature is always going to doubt and that I have a process where I move through fear and worry and blindness before I come back to still deep wisdom, belief and clarity within me.
Even though I have witnessed many miracles in my life, and have created many successes throughout the journey of claiming my big dreams and purpose, I still have my moments of forgetfulness.
But I know better now to not quit 5 minutes before the miracle occurs.
Because it always does.
In case you needed to be reminded of that...