What I Wish I Knew

I am sitting here in my new office, in my new home, on a beautiful and stunning ranch straight out of a vision I held since I was a little girl.

The valley with the creek, the acres of land for my horses, the beautiful mountain and clear skies, the gorgeous facility to host my retreats.

And I look back  on my life and my journey, and I was reflecting on what I wish I knew.

I imagine myself now, and I imagine myself in 5 years from now... If I could write a love letter to myself what would I say?

The young girl who had dreams of land and horses, who was driven by purpose, I would say to her…

Stay youthful, don’t grow up too fast or think you have to take on the weight and responsibility of the world.

Don’t be too serious and trust more that everything is going to work out.

Open your heart wider. Allow people to come into your life to support you. Don’t hold so much in or feel like it’s all your fault when things go astray.

I would tell her not to apologize for her sensitivity or to doubt her dreams and her aspirations. I would tell her that it is ok to make mistakes, to allow them and to embrace them as part of the growth and learning of your life and your wisdom.

I would tell her to not feel so alone, to not allow her fears of people not embracing or accepting her as she is to be the thing that gets in her way of showing how beautiful and wise and intuitive she is.

I would tell her it is ok to be different, to be unique, and that it is ok to love horses more than she loves boys and that she is not crazy to think about deeper things than her peers.

The woman in her twenties I would tell her…

To not let the devastation of her purpose ruin her visions of her life, that sometimes things don’t work out because there is something better and to trust and have faith in that.

I would tell her to not be afraid or let past failures or tragedies get in the way of living or how she sees and holds herself in the world.

I would tell her to not be so hard on herself or be afraid of being abandoned by the ones she loves because her path is a bit unique and outside of how she was raised.

I would tell her that the hardships of her experiences will wisen her edges and give depth to her soul. Her journey would inspire and the dark nights of her depression would lead to a greater clarity than she could have known.

I would tell her to trust her intuition and not to doubt that it was going to lead somewhere great, that she was wise and intelligent, that she had a knack for business and that her internal compass would never steer her wrong.

I would let her know that she didn’t have to enter into spaces that didn’t feel aligned, to never question her value and what she brought to the table.

I would tell her to see herself for the brave and courageous woman that she is, to believe more deeply in her resourcefulness and know the she is always deeply supported as she reached.

I would tell her that there is nothing she needs to doubt or fear about her capacity, about her ability to create an impact, to live a life of purpose and meaning and to be successful. That her failures are not failures, they are steps towards the greatness and the heights she was meant to reach, that sometimes we need to fall down to understand we were on the wrong staircase.

I would tell her that she is prepared to teach, that she has something that is necessary and needed that she can contribute and to never doubt the vision and the perspective she brings to the world.

I would tell her to lean in more, to be vulnerable, to trust the people around her to support her in her dreams and that she inspires and is loved more deeply than she could ever know.

And I imagine in 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, if I could project into the future and ask my future self what wisdom she has for me now, this is what I imagine she would say to me.

She would say…. Relax. Take a deep breath, stay the course, hold the vision and trust the process.

She would smile at me knowingly and tell me, "See? I told you there was nothing to be worried about."

She would look at me with a glint in her eyes but also the knowing of what I went through and say, "You are strong, you will do this, believe in who you are."

She would laugh at my silliness of wondering whether or not I would make a good partner, if my intensity would scare someone away, my wonder if I was too ambitious for my own good. "The very thing you are most afraid of is the thing that will be the most attractive to the right partner and in truth of course he exists because don’t you?" And she would wink because she knows what surprises are around the corner for me.

She would get a bit serious and tell me, "You must be less hard on yourself, to let others support your dreams, to let it be easy as you wish it to be and to never doubt the power of your intention, of your word and of the visions you foster deeply within you. You can indeed manifest the life you want."

She would tell me to continue to lean in, to stretch outside my comfort zone, to trust the people coming into my life and "Yes, your animals are okay if you leave every once in a while, so go have fun for you for a change."

I imagine she would tell me that there is no cause to worry and to not doubt the desires I harbour secretly in my heart for my life, my purpose and my business. She would tell me there is still so much life to live and to be patient and loving with myself and maybe be open to the awe and surprises that life has for me and to believe them to be good and for them to be there.

She would tell me to continue to feel, to let my heart be cracked open again and again, to let the land and my horses see me through each transition and to be gentle with myself as I hold them.

She would tell me the only struggle that exists is the ones we create in our mind and we get to choose. "You know that," she would say to me. "Choose wisely."

And then she would get up from her place sitting on my day couch, in my beautifully renovated home, on this beautiful property and take me over the window and say, "We are still here. It will be even more amazing than you could have imagined and you are worthy and deserving of all of it."

There are many moments in my days and in my years – even being where I am now on this ranch, even when I have had the impact I have had in my work of seeing my dreams come alive before my very eyes – that I still worry, and I question, and I doubt, where I am still afraid and I wonder who am I to want what I want and to do what I do.

And I connect to the part of me that knows better…

What I wish I knew then that I know now…

There is a wise and present part of me, that exists as real as the doubt, that knows, that has faith, that is intuitive, that doesn’t doubt her path, that knows worry doesn’t solve any problems and those problems are not as massive as I make them.

That she knows how wise and beautiful, talented and loving, capable and brilliant I really am and doesn’t doubt for a second that I will do the things my heart sets out to do.

What I wish I knew…

What I wish I knew was how much the people around me, my family and friends love and support me, are inspired by me, are cheering me on even when they are afraid for me, even when they are worried in moments. They don't doubt me for a second, they never have. I wish I knew that to the depth that I do today.

And in another breath….

I am grateful for the journey that has brought me here, more than a few scars to show for it, but a deep satisfaction for the determination and the grit, the heart and the relentless commitment to my dreams and to my purpose that I continued to journey on anyways.

There have been more than many moments where I questioned myself deeply, where I wondered if I was being delusional to build a life of my purpose and have that be the anchor that supported my life.

Where I have wondered if I would be able to handle the amount of grief and loss that came my way without drowning in it never to come out the other side.

Where I have questioned who I was to do what I was called to do and who was I to dare to do it.

But every question led me deeper into myself, seeking out a comfort, an anchor which found me even closer to my alignment, more peeled back in my own self-mastery, more connected to my soul that is ever so wise and knowing.

And so…

Even though I wish I knew…

I am still ok with not knowing…

Because it led me here.

And for you who are reading this….

If you could write a note to yourself, from another perspective, from the part of you that is in your future, or that sees a clearer mirror of your current journey…. What would that part of you say to you?

And what would happen if you believed them?

From one courageous dreamer to another . . .

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