We walk around as human beings occupying mostly the thoughts that originate in our minds. We consume our time and energy with worry and fear of future or past. We are overwhelmed with information that comes at us all the time.
Do you make time and space to commune with your soul?
6 years ago I made the move across the country to move to British Columbia.
In 2005, almost twelve years ago, I walked away from a career that I thought I was meant for to move from west back home to east.
These two significant moves have something in common.
They were soul driven.
So was the desire to plunge full out into being an entrepreneur, using everything I had in trust to finance a purpose and calling of my soul's work.
In 2005, after spending 2 years in the horse breeding industry, I found myself feeling numb. A dream I had carried for 8 years to be a horse breeder was slipping away from me, causing immense pain to my sanity and my own wellbeing.
I remember reading Wayne Dyer's Manifest Your Destiny, struggling with what to do. I was stubborn in the sense I didn’t want to walk away from this path. That was what I had dedicated a majority of my life on over the last 8 years of my life.
I remember waking up one morning with crystal clarity that I needed to move back east and go to work for my grandfather who had been begging me to come and work at the family steel business.
I remember calling my parents and telling them I was going to be moving home. They weren’t super excited about the idea of going to work for my grandfather but something in me said to go.
So I did.
I sobbed my entire drive back east, driving up to 14 hours a day to get home.
I got home and spent 2 weeks in bed depressed, feeling lost and uncertain of my path for the first time in a long time – an unfamiliar feeling to me.
Life carried on. Breadcrumbs happened. I found my way to the space I hold with horses now and at the beginning of 2011 I felt the stirring once again.
I had a strong feeling that I had to be there, visions and a pull to be in a place that spoke to my soul. So I started creating the space for that to happen.
I did a vision a board. I started planted seeds. Went out to BC for a visit to try to figure out where I would land.
And then 8 months later in September of 2011, I drove west to BC.
Because my soul told me to.
I had no job, no idea why and, in transparency, through the pull I fought with it.
I was terrified.
About 3 weeks before I left I was at a friend's house and I was still thinking I was crazy to leave. Why move west? What was there for me, and move with a horse and 3 month old dog?
But I did because I felt the pull.
And I got out here and I fell apart. If I didn’t have animals I would have fallen into a place of depression again. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a source of income. I was living in a basement suite. I had no idea of anything.
I got stalked by blue herons for the first month I lived out here.
And then things unfolded and 9 months later I was leasing a 17.5 acre property to go full-time into making my dream of having a retreat space work.
And I leapt into that because I could feel in my soul the rightness of it.
And it was really hard.
I had no idea how to run a business. I had zero comfort level around being seen. I had minimal belief in my capacity to hold space for anything beyond my horses. I was afraid. I had no idea how to create solid boundaries for myself. I went into debt. I feared for myself.
Here is what I want to share with you...
Our soul calls us forward to things, not because they are going to be “easy” or unfold beautifully all the time or they won’t test us.
Our soul calls us forward because it can see and it knows the strength that we possess to step into our purpose and towards a more authentic way of living.
I have been angry at my soul at times, at the universe too, for putting me in situations that felt really hard, for planting a seed or an idea in my head only for it to not go as planned.
Debt, betrayal, hurt, loss, struggle.
It all happened alongside a crystal clear calling that said this is where you are meant to be.
Our soul doesn’t walk us into paradise without us having to grow, that is not its job.
Its job is to know the pathway that I believe have mapped out somewhere in our consciousness that says this is what I want to experience, this is purpose and then we must go on the journey of it.
I can remember last year having a meltdown 6 months after buying this beautiful ranch and it wasn’t going well.
Doubt crippled me. Fear and the belief of the complete insanity of having a million dollar mortgage and what the heck was I thinking. Having to hold space for the responsibility of the this space, losing one of my beloved equine partners, it was really hard.
And I was really angry.
I remember having this meltdown and I could almost sense my soul and my peeps looking down on me and I felt this awareness while I was in my tears and my why did you do this to me.
And I could feel the essence of myself say:
We are not worried.
And I got this image of being like 2 steps beyond the finish line. I was having a meltdown without having even been on the journey for that long.
I took two steps and I had a hissy fit.
Now it felt like a really real hissy fit with really real things to worry about, but I really got the confidence my own being had in me in that moment.
Like, we are not worried about you because we know there are things you are gaining from this, wisdom, strength, and building a foundation that is going to hold something beautiful that you have no idea about yet.
I have this horse, Jet.
He is a tall big bay standardbred. Jet is a significant horse for me.
When I first saw this property that I am on, there were 18 horses here. I knew there were 4 that would be staying with me and I had no idea which 4 they were.
So I decided to let the horses tell me. I went and sat at the opposite end of the field and I said, "Who is meant to be here?"
Jet picked up his big head and walked right over to me, grabbed my hat and started to yawn and lick and chew.
As I left the ranch that day I remember feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of this place and this dream and here came this big beautiful horse with this energy of complete confidence and possibility.
I felt this energy from him:
"Why are you doubting yourself so much? You can manifest this."
And I did manifest it and I am still here manifesting this.
I want to tell you something about the calling of our souls.
It doesn’t always come in a pretty package with an instruction manual.
It doesn’t always come basked in the most easiest of experiences.
But it does give us a deep space of growth where we are given the capacity to reach into and rise into something that is what we are asking for.
On a deep level, we are asking for it.
Fulfillment, purpose, growth, abundance, it is in the undercurrent of our desires.
Our soul answers because it knows what we are capable of.
But we have to choose to seek out that voice and listen to it.
I will tell you the hardest battle I have ever had was to wage war against my own fears and internal voices.
That told me it was too much, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t have anything to offer, I wasn’t enough, it would never work.
Where fear and the vision of loss would haunt me each morning that I woke up.
Lately my soul has been reminding me again that it is always a choice we have, to let our souls lead us and then continue to let it guide us forward.
Beyond our shaky ground of doubts and insecurities, beyond what we see on the surface, beyond the things we have to grow through it sees our potential our capacity and is always encouraging us along the way.
It is not our default to always be tapped into the higher calling of our soul, but perhaps it should be.
Just in case you needed to be reminded.