Walking in my field with my horses today I was reflecting on the different pieces that were moving around in my world, seeking to find my clarity and my anchor and the wisdom I was needing to get.
Among the herd, I landed upon this: I am flawed. We are flawed. So, Embrace it.
As a leader, sometimes I feel that I don’t have the space to be flawed. Expectations others have of who I need to be or how I need to show up can be stifling and overwhelming. As the years have gone on and I have taken on more responsibility in my life and in my business I have needed to navigate through the pressure that comes along with it.
And, I am flawed…
As I was walking today I had the thought that there was a permission there, that come from within myself. “I am flawed. I am not perfect. I am not going to be “on” all the time. I won’t always meet expectations of others, or even myself. I won’t always show up as ‘Hillary the leader’” and there was an aspect where I needed to be ok with that.
Along with being a leader, I am an introvert, I am an empath, I am highly sensitive and sometimes it can be a struggle to balance holding all of those parts of me at once. Sometimes I do it well, and other times I just don’t.
Sometimes I also get resentful when people who look up to me, or put me on a pedestal as this amazing creature that is magical and inspiring because it feels like they hold expectations of me that are not realistic. I often feel pressure to be something to those who are watching me, to hold the static image of who I need to be because they need me to be that way. And today I realized there was an edge about this feeling that I decided to get curious about.
I thought about my journey with my parents, how I and I am sure I am not the only one who put them on pedestals, and had an idea of who I needed them to be and how I needed them to be for me. That pressure and then the unforgiveness I felt when I realized my parents were actually human had an uncomfortable impact when I was growing up.
When I moved away from home in my twenties I reflected on how hard I was on both of them - especially my mom - and also how unfair that was.
There is not a carbon copy perfect leader, or parent, or partner that exists, we are all human.
There are going to be moments where we feel let down or disappointed or discouraged with how people show up for us.
And here is the truth. We are going to disappoint people. We are going to let others down, and it most likely will not be intentional.
We are human, and that means there are times when we are selfish, or we make mistakes, or we don’t show up because in that moment we can’t.
And my ask… not just for you but what I held for myself:
Can we give ourselves permission to hold that?
To let go of the static image of perfection we hold of ourselves and others that we look up to, or that we are in relationship with.
Can we give ourselves some compassion to mess up? To not be on all the time? To be human and flawed and take responsibility for where we hold unrealistic images of ourselves and others?
Can we let ourselves have boundaries and permission to be messy? To not have to “show” up all the time if we are needing a moment to be human and let that be ok?
The biggest truth as I explored my resentment I realized it was self mirrored. I had to let go of my own expectation of myself, the pressure I put on myself of who I think I need to be as a leader to please everyone all the time. That’s not going to happen and that shouldn’t be the goal.
So as I walked my land today, I let it go. I let go of having to be perfect. I embraced the fact that I am flawed - sometimes deeply - and that it’s ok to be that way.
There is permission, there is freedom, there is liberation and the most powerful place to be in that is there with myself. Flawed, and perfect, and embracing all of it.