I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, we are almost halfway through 2016, it is my birthday month and there is just a simple space of looking at how I got here.
And where is "here"?
Currently I am sitting on the floor of my living room in my home on a stunning 80-acre ranch (I like to sit on the floor), living my dream life.
There are many moments of my days where I am just in a place of awe, sometimes shock, that I am here.
Honestly speaking, it is more than a little bit surreal.
People often ask me how I got here…
Well today, I am going to share a bit more about how I got here.
Since I was a little girl I have been obsessed with two things: horses and having land.
The years I was in my late teens and early twenties, the destination of being where I am now was all I could think about, often so much so that I disconnected myself from the journey.
People have always said to me, "You are so lucky. You have always known what you have wanted to do."
I have known that I wanted to work with horses, that they were a central part of my purpose and my life, and I knew I wanted to be here running a retreat centre, having land of my own and doing something I loved that deeply fulfilled me.
I used to say to people, "Yes, that is true and it also came with a huge dose of impatience. I wanted to be where I am now 10 years ago. And there were many years I didn’t know what to do with myself until I got here."
So what do we do when we can’t find our way out?
There is something to be said about the wisdom of experience, of being able to have the foresight to look again bringing forth the wisdom of the path.
There have been multiple days and hours and moments in the last 6 months where I have pulled from my past, from the patience I learned to grow, to the trust that has rooted deeply inside of me.
The title of this post might not make sense to what I am sharing but what has stood out to me over the last 6 months to a year is knowing I made it through.
I conquered a lot of fears, many blocks and insecurities to get to where I am today.
I can see the path I took clearly and it is one that I remind myself of as I stand before what seems like more insurmountable dreams and visions that stand before me as I look to build my impact, my purpose and my space in the world.
Here is what I have come to know:
1. Nothing lasts forever… Those moments where we feel lost or discouraged with life they won’t last. Try to remember that. A saying I use to say to myself all the time, "This, too, shall pass."
2. Just because you experience something doesn’t mean it is reflective of the outcome. My own coach said to me once to know my process. I don’t think I understood what she meant when she first said it. I do now.
My process goes something like this. First, I get inspired by the possibilities and fired up by the dream. Then, reality hits me and I get freaked out. Then, I get worried and have anxiety and play worse-case-scenario in my head. And then, I find a way to sink back into my initial inspiration so I can move forward.
So when I am having my process I can hold it just as that, my process.
My fear and anxiety doesn’t mean I suck or I am not capable. It just means I am human and moving through all of the pieces that goes together when you are chasing big things in your life. P.S. My worst fears and worries never came true. I remind myself of that a lot.
3. Lean into your tribe. When you feel daunted, afraid, or discouraged, lean in. Find your tribe. Identify the people you trust, friends, family, coaches, communities and lean into them. Having a team around me, people I could talk to, has been integral to moving me beyond the times I forgot who I was and what I was reaching for.
4. Have your ritual. Know the things you can turn to that is going to bring you back to knowing the bigger picture and knowing yourself.
Meditation, spending time in nature, exercising, reading an inspirational book, music, etc.. Know the things you can turn to that will move you away from feeling paralyzed and towards feeling re-inspired. And do it everyday.
Each day I have moments of fear and anxiety and every time I can feel that creeping up on me I either go outside on my land and spend time in nature and with my horses, put on my music to jam it out, meditate, visualize or write. I know the things I can turn to and create for myself to give me movement.
5. Don’t give up. Just don’t. I wish I could show you the movie of my life, and how close I was to walking away, giving up, because it felt hard and it felt scary and it felt like it was an impossible task. Somehow I kept digging deeper to the part of me that knew this wasn’t the end. This isn’t the end, keep going. Persistence pays off.
6. To the best of your ability believe in yourself and surround yourself with the reminders of that belief. Keep people around you that are positive that uplift you that support and encourage you so that believing in who you are and what you are reaching for feels a little less crazy and a lot more doable.
7. Be gentle.. On you, on your process. We are so hard on ourselves. We push and push and push many times not giving ourselves the space we need to settle with everything. Be gentle, be kind, be loving on you.
5 years ago I made the biggest move of my life when I headed west with my 3-month-old dog and my horse.
I felt pulled here by something greater than myself and I followed it.
And I will tell you the whole time I walked that path I was terrified, I doubted, I got depressed, I worried, I cried, and then I felt bad because I didn’t trust as much.
5 years later here I am… Living the life of my wildest imagination, calling an 80-acre slice of paradise my home, having a full practice that moves me deeply, sharing my life with horses and doing what I feel is my life’s work in the world, surrounded by an absolutely amazing team of people that inspire and help me grow this vision beyond what I could have hoped for and it was birthed through a tunnel I once felt I would never see out of.
Keep going. Your fears, your darkness, your disappointments do not signify the outcome, they are just a part of the experience and there is other stuff in there too. Like your hopes and dreams and beliefs even if they feel small right now.
You can step into great things with only one wing working. It will get you there. It may not be smooth, rarely it is, but you will arrive. And while you do your other wing will build strength so when you are ready for the next flight it will be a lot smoother than the first one.
I know this is not the end for me, but I am a little bit wiser than I was 5 years ago. I understand the journey and what it looks like for me. My peaks and valleys aren’t so contrast anymore and I found a strength I never knew I had within me.
I am sometimes wobbly and afraid, still shaking in my boots at times, and within all of that I keep reaching and dreaming and stepping further into my strength and I keep building my wingspan.
What do you do when you can’t find your way out?
You keep moving.
See you on the other side.